Moments like this

I havn't lived for that long, but still long enough to recognize a certain pattern. Sometimes life is incredible, and other times it's just a little extra imperfect... You know the times when everything seems to go wrong and on top of that, you realize how many things you have to improve at..?

 (You know, those times when bad qualities tends to shine very clear...)

But every once in a while you will experience one of those moments. One of those moments that very efficiently deletes every trace of daily life-irritation you might have carried inside you. A moment that will refill you, with whatever you need in order to feel that life is just incredible and nothing else. 

This was one of those moments.

I'm free now

Imagine the moment when you realize it's over and when you hear the words "I've made it" echo in your mind. Imagine the moment when you look around and all you see is what you've always dreamed of. Imagine how the relief you feel slowly reaches every cell of your body. And as it does, it replaces the worries and anxieties life so far has given you. Imagine how you fall down on your bruised knees and out of your mouth comes the most warm prayer you've ever said. Because of gratitude, your heart has just expanded.

As a tear falls down, following the shape of your face, you think of the things you won't ever have to think of again and you feel the feelings you don't ever have to feel again. Moments of true pain, things that has happened to you. Moments of pure distress, things you've done that you regret. And moments of real despair, times you've felt that life is just too unbearable to live.

Your thoughts are interrupted by a singing bird and when you've looked at it for a while, you notice what's in the background. A couple of friends up on that hill over there. And from what you can tell, they're laughing.

You finish your prayer and as you rise, you let go. You're picturing how the bad memories are falling down on the ground and you can almost hear the sound of it. Compared to anything valuable, this is something you won't even bother to pick up again.

 You start to walk forward and your heart beats more intense than it ever has before. Happily knowing that the things you left behind, are already deleted. For every step you're taking, you're increasing the distance with your past.  For every step you're taking, you are one step closer to the life you've always wanted.

Suddenly you've reached that hill and as you're about to greet your friends something else is catching your eyes. It's that bird again! You watch it fly away into the horizont, you smile and you think to yourself;

I'm free now

Rise again

I'm not sure how I will put this. I have a feeling inside that is kind of hard to describe. I actually don't think I even can explain it to my own mind. But it's the feeling of trying to rise again. The feeling of being lost, and yet found at the same time..

 I do know how I want to live my life and I have a plan, so that I can reach it step by step. But, it's so easy to loose focus. "Life" happens and by a blink the zeal in my heart tends to decrease. At least that's what I'm feeling in those moments. Even though I know, with my whole mind and heart that needgreating and living a (most possible) simple life, is the kind of life and lifestyle I want, I just seem to forget it at times. Not in the big choices and decisions, but in the smaller ones. I realize that it's something that I have to work on.

But something that makes me smile (despite reflecting on my flaws), is that I have great news to tell!

- I am going back to Malawi! I've been there once before and I actually can't wait to put my feet on the malawian ground again... It's such a blessing and I am sure that this journey will teach me many things and that it will be one more step in the right direction.

I thank Jehovah for making it all possible.

Hear the sound of a new door opening

This will be my first attempt to write on this blog. I'm actually at a bench right now, inside a grocery store. As I sit on this bench I see people after people, and they're all different. Each one of them are facing the world with different stories, backgrounds and dreams. Each one of them has their own interests, talents and qualities. Each person has something special about him or her, something special that I cant know just by simply looking at them. I would have to get to know them, in order to learn who they really are, which the clothes and hairstyles can't tell me. (They probably just fool me.)

But what I do know, without even knowing their names, is that they all have something in common. With each other. With me. With you. And with the rest of human kind.

 - Pain.

Pain is what all people have in common. Some has experienced the very indescribable pain, of loosing someone close to their heart in death. Some has experienced racism in it's ugliest way. Others have survived things that are so surreal that it's hard to imagine it ever happened.

I could go on and on with mentioning different shades of pain. It's so much of it in this sick world, that we almost tend to forget about it. But sometimes it hits me and I'm telling you, it's cold. Just like if I would have gotten icewater splashed in my face without see it coming. It surprises me.

To be honest, I appreciate these small, but important, wake up calls. It makes me once again feel determined. I need to do something. There is so many people out there drowning in real pain. Learning about the truth and being given a hope, is like if this drowning person suddenly knows how to swim. It's a relief. The pain might still be there, but as long as you can swim and hold your head above the surface of water, you can keep on swimming until you reach land.

People are waiting for the good news and I am so ready to make a new door open in my life. And if it doesn't open by it self, I sure will push it with every little muscle I have. So... If you hear the sound of a new door opening, it's me. And as I walk through that door, I will enter a new chapter in my life.

       

- Elin